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The following is the transcript from a masterclass through Filled with Less on April 5, 2025 entitled “Finding Beauty and Wholeness in the Midst of Suffering.” It is led by Olympia Rusu, Cynthia Damaskos, and Molly Sabourin. You can find the recording here.

My name is Olympia Rusu and I am a wife, homesteader, holistic nutritionist, Orthodox Christian, and I drink a lot of tea. My husband and I own a 7.5 acre homestead farm in Pilot Mountain, North Carolina where we have 17 chickens, a lovely garden, an apple and peach orchard, and a cottage that my husband renovated in the last few years that will be ready to rent on airbnb soon! My husband Ephraim is originally from Seattle and I am originally from the San Francisco bay area in California, and we moved to North Carolina in 2022. He still works as a computer scientist but spends most of his free time building things, and I spend most of my time working on my loose leaf tea company that we started, baking sourdough bread to sell at our farmer’s market, and planting lots of medicinal herbs and vegetables on the farm. Today here is what we’ll be talking about:

• The Unseen Core of Suffering
• What is True Health?
• A Note on Dispassion
• The Golden Secret
• Practical Ways to Suffer Well

As far as my health journey goes, I grew up doing track, dance, and was very strong and healthy. I loved God and had so many goals and dreams for my life like wanting to live around the world and do missionary work, or the other more secular track of doing dance as a professional career. The world felt like my oyster, but at age 19 in my second year of college, I developed 2 debilitating, rare, chronic autoimmune diseases that have altered my life in almost every way you can imagine. They are called diffuse scleroderma and polymyositis. Essentially I lost all my mobility and muscle strength in every muscle group in my body, and I quickly realized that I could no longer dance or really do anything that I had dreamed up for myself. In that time, we worked through the intricacies of pain, fatigue, loss, grief, misdiagnosis, medications, 12 years now of blood plasma infusions, 9 months of IV antibiotics, emotional trauma, and surgeries without anesthesia. Other modalities we tried were extreme diet changes, seeing western doctors and specialists, functional medicine, naturopathic doctors, acupuncture, physical therapy, and chiropractic care. We tried absolutely everything. 

In the midst of it all these years and flare-ups though, I think the biggest thing to wrestle with has been the internal struggle. 

The Unseen Core of Suffering

In a video series from Father Josiah Trenham, he talks with a doctor about the many facets of pain and suffering in our lives. Dr. Hinshaw mentions a definition of suffering, and he says,

• “To constrain, humble, or crush the will is… the very core of what is classically meant by suffering. To suffer is to endure that over which our will has no power, that which is against our will. To suffer is to be the patient, not the agent.” – Fingarette, H. The Meaning of Law in the Book of Job, Hastings. Law Journal (1978, 29(6)- 1581-1617. from Conflicting Anthropologies youtube video with Fr. Josiah Trenham

From this what I gather that most often troubles people when they are suffering may not actually be the pain itself, but rather the inconvenience, the lack of control, the unknown and uncertainty of it all, and ultimately the fact that our will wants to be happy and healthy and strong, and the circumstances in our lives are showing up to be contrary to what we want or what we expected our life to be.

John Zizolous comments on St. Maximos the Confessor’s writings where he says,

• “Pain is not overcome by removing it, but by accepting it. Healing involves welcoming pain and experiencing it. Of course, sometimes the pain is unbearable and experiencing it becomes destructive. So, any treatment must be tailored to each patient’s tolerance (accommodation). But in no case should we consider patients healed simply because they are psychologically ‘relieved’ or are not suffering. The tragedy of existence lies in Christ’s Cross, and no treatment can avoid the cross. Too often, we forget that pleasure is not only carnal but also psychological. By detaching pain from the process of treatment, we are left only with pleasure, which is an escape from reality and true healing.” John Zizolous Metropolitan of Pergamom, Illness and Healing in Orthodox Theology, commentary on St. Maximos’ maxims p. 31

Going back to my health- I have been in four flare-ups over a period of 12 years. I’ve had seasons of being relatively stable and strong, and then other seasons of flare-ups that last for anywhere from a few months to a few years and all my debilitating symptoms come back. Practically for me, each flare-up has felt like writing out a list of basic bodily functions- sitting, standing, putting your hair in a ponytail, tying your shoes, picking up something from off the ground, running, going up and down stairs- and then slowly crossing each of those things off of the list of what I can do for a couple months or years. Then when my muscle inflammation is lower, I can work hard to regain that strength and then re-learn how to sit up again, put clothes on again or even skip or run again. 

Ironically the biggest part of this whole process has been dying to my own will.

When I actually choose to humble myself, I see so much beauty. Living on our farm might seem like a dream, but what people don’t see is that even living here, I have to choose beauty and to be grateful for that beauty. Two examples:

• Last year if I focused on how I can’t stand up if I sit on the ground and have a picnic, then I’ll ruin the picnic. But when I remember that I’m not alone in the journey and that my husband happily would pick me up off the ground after our picnics, then I found myself finding so much more peace because I wasn’t trying to work against the things I couldn’t control, but instead chose to embrace them. 
• Another example is my blood plasma infusions. Taking six hours two days in a row every month to get an infusion may seem exhausting, but it’s been actually a fun opportunity for me to get to catch up on work, to have friends come visit me in the hospital while I’m infusing, or to catch up on some extra sleep and dream up my newest tea blend for my tea company. As you may be catching on, suffering has much more to do with our mindset in the midst of pain rather than the pain itself. Humbly accept the situations we can’t control, trust God, and He brings peace regardless of what the external circumstances look like.

What is True Health?

I had a funny conversation with a dear friend of mine a few years ago. She told me that I was the healthiest person she knew and I was so surprised that I literally laughed out loud. Here I was, unable to stand up from the couch on my own, so I asked her why she said that. She responded that I was the healthiest person she knew because of how I took care of myself- eating, sleeping well, exercising, getting rest when I needed it, living within my means, and things like that. I smiled and realized that our habits define health much more than our physical state of being. 

We see this in the secular world all the time. My grandpa used to say “our health is our greatest wealth,” and while this may be partially true to an extent, there are plenty of people I know who are physically very strong but internally their mind is anxious and overwhelmed, or their soul is never at rest. This is not health. So let’s break down some myths about health.

True health does not mean:

• Complete eradication of a disease
• No suffering
• No physical struggles
• No limitations
• Endless energy
• Longevity/ distance from death
• Life is easy and focused on comfort
• All our dreams come true

What is actually true:

• Complete eradication of a disease -> you will get sick again someday
• No suffering -> hard work whether or not you have a chronic illness
• No physical struggles -> struggle is part of being human
• No limitations -> structured habits
• Endless energy -> rest, silence, and peace
• Longevity/ distance from death —> we don’t know when we will die
• Life is easy and focused on comfort -> life requires navigating survival
• All our dreams come true -> there are limits to what we can do

True health comes from unity, peace and wholeness in your mind, body and soul.

As Christians, our goal in life should not be to be healthy. Our goal is to be one with Christ. And in being one with Christ, we are made whole. As we become full of love and united to Christ in soul and body, then we are truly healthy.

John Zizolous in Illness and Healing in Orthodox Theology says,

• “Healing is possible only as incorporation into Christ, the only truly healthy human being. It is significant that, for the Church, the sacrament of the Holy Eucharist has such central importance in healing and the ascetic effort of human freedom is never enough in itself for someone to be healed. Human freedom, nevertheless, remains the key to unlocking the correct understanding of the concepts of both disease and healing. Since disease entered into existence through human freedom, its healing and cure must also enter through the same door. The ascetic Fathers of the Church knew this very well, and that is why they put so much emphasis on the exercise of human freedom as liberation from the passions.” John Zizolous Metropolitan of Pergamom, Illness and Healing in Orthodox Theology p. 26

I have to admit that the other day my husband reminded me, Olympia, remember that “Christ is your life.” Those words touched me in a new way because I thought that for all these years I’ve loved Christ. But I had to repent because in that moment, I realized with fresh eyes how much that wasn’t actually the reality I was living in. In scripture we read “to live is Christ to die is gain”(Phil.1:21) and “When Christ who is our life appears, then you will appear with him in glory”(Col. 3:4). But how do we live with Christ? Through suffering. And it’s not just because Christ suffered. It’s because suffering strips away all the temporal things we put comfort in and focuses our view to see the eternal realities that actually fulfill us. But this process requires surrendering my own will and yielding to God’s will. 

“When Christ who is our life appears, then you will appear with him in glory”(Colossians 3:4).

This is the Christian life, being united to Christ. If we want to be united with Christ but we don’t humble ourselves, then God graciously brings suffering of many kinds into our lives to humble us in order to actually see clearly. That is, we learn how to be able to navigate and endure every trial in such a way that we are no longer affected by it in the same way.

A Note on Dispassion

A tangible “symptom” or result of becoming a healthy Christ-like person is that we learn overtime to be dispassionate. That is, we fight the passions and learn to trust God so much that we are not tossed to and fro by the changing winds, but rather are firmly planted in God’s strength and power to endure hardships. Dispassion literally means “without passions,” meaning that in the midst of suffering or in the midst of good times, our passions of seeking control or pridefulness or vainglory don’t rule us. St. John Climacus calls dispassion “the inner heaven of the mind” and says that “the dispassionate man no longer lives, but Christ lives in him [Gal. 2:20].” That is when we find true beauty and are truly free and whole.

To be clear, just like health isn’t the absence of suffering, dispassion “does not mean not being attacked by demons…. But rather [it] means remaining unconquered when attacked.” (Diadochus, The Teaching of the Holy Fathers on the Passions). 

So many of the Holy Fathers have a lot to say about dispassion, but there is one quote that I love and will end with in regards to dispassion. 

St. Silouan the Athonite said,

• “How can you find out if you are living within the will of God? Here is the sign: If you are troubled about anything, this means that you have not completely given yourself over to the will of God. A person who lives in the will of God [or is dispassionate] is not concerned over anything. And if he needs anything, he gives both it and himself over to God. And if he does not receive the necessary thing, he remains calm nevertheless, as if he had it. The soul which has been given over to the will of God is afraid of nothing, not of thunder nor of thieves – nothing. But whatever happens, she says, ‘Thus it pleases God.’ If she is sick, she thinks: this means that I need to be sick, or else God would not have given it to me. Thus peace is preserved in both soul and body.”

In this last flare-up, I mentioned that many functions became very very difficult if not impossible without the help of my husband or loved ones around me. I was tempted to tell God that I should be able to be healthier, stronger or I wished that I could do what everyone else did because then I could “love others better” or actually do prostrations or fasting, etc. But instead of the many flare-ups in the past where I fought it, He showed me what a great blessing it was to be so sick- I could pray akathists all day and I really learned how much I love to pray, I could slow down, do things I loved like drink tea or study how to cook or garden or sew, and I could lean into not having so many demands like working a job in that season. If I had chosen to just be frustrated that I was sick like I have in the past, I would’ve missed out of the months of time I got to learn how to just be and it would’ve been all because of just my pride and unwillingness to be patient to live well in that season. So now let’s talk about the Golden secret to finding beauty and wholeness in the midst of suffering.

The Golden Secret 

Healing comes through humility and patience.

Healing comes through humility (that is, repentance) and patience. In other words, I will experience beauty and wholeness when I change myself, not my circumstances. As I focus on my own repentance and areas where I’ve hurt myself even in the midst of chronic illness or financial troubles or marriage problems or whatever the situation is, then God takes care of the rest.

1. To start out, the reason humility and repentance is so important is because it makes space in our hearts to receive the Uncreated Energies of God who is Love. When there’s space for Him, then He can enter in and transform us from the inside. Then when He may choose to heal our external physical pain, then we are truly healed in body, mind, and soul. 

Unrelated to chronic illness, I found myself in a situation recently that was very painful to navigate. I wanted so badly to just stay bitter, and yet they say that holding on to bitterness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. My bitterness was taking over my heart, and what was really happening was that my pride was keeping me from healing. I needed to forgive but I just couldn’t. I didn’t want to. But then I had two conversations in just a few short days where they both said the exact. Same. Thing.

It’s not about what happens to you externally. It’s about deciding who you want to be.

In that case, it was forgiveness that I needed, and I realized that NOTHING IN LIFE CAN BE FORCED. As with many areas of our lives, there was nothing I could do to change the situation, but to be free IN the pain (and not just once it’s over). In order to do that I have to look straight at Christ and nothing else every time I’m tempted to try to control or change the people or situations in my life that hurt. 

The same is true in chronic illness. I decided early on that I would have to basically work two full time jobs in order to heal- first I’d have the job of taking care of my body with love and compassion, and second I’d have the job of taking care of my mind and soul, so that I didn’t fall into despair or let anger or bitterness overtake me. It was well worth it, albeit exhausting, to do. But third as I’m learning in these later years- the true healing comes when I realize that God is the One who ultimately controls my outcome. My job is to live well in each season whether I’m fully capable or whether I’m limited.

2. A second reason why humility is crucial to healing is because then we can see that our lives and existence really aren’t about us. 

“For St. Maximus, the essence of sickliness [or being sick] is self-love [or pride]. Self-love is not simply a passion: it is the root cause of all passions: If you want to be liberated from the passions, cast off the mother of the passions, self-love.” – John Zizolous Metropolitan of Pergamom, Illness and Healing in Orthodox Theology p. 29

This is so opposite of EVERYTHING we hear in our society. And yet, pride gets me to think that life is all about me, whereas when we look around we see that we are actually more like a little ant or bee who gets to participate in making the hive thrive, but that the pressure isn’t on us to solve all the problems in the world or call the shots. 

If you’ve ever read the book of Job, God humbles Job by showing Him how powerful He is over all of the universe because He created it all. Our human wisdom is limited, and God alone is wise, so ONLY He knows why things happen even if we think we know why they happen.

In the midst of chronic illness, healing will come when we admit on a soul level that God is God and I am not. God is the One who makes medications work or not work. He’s the one who determines how long I will be in a particular season. He is the one who brings people to help me and He is the one who knows what types of situations are going to make me into a person who is more loving, more compassionate, and more like Christ. So with that knowledge, I can either fight Him and tell Him what I think would be best for my life, or I can humble myself and choose to be silent and wait for Him to answer rather than thinking I have the answers.

3. Now here’s where patience enters in. The reason we need patience is because we need the time to be able to work out being humble. If time just jumped from event to event, there wouldn’t be enough space to be able to work through our humanness and our feelings and take the time to give them to God. 

St. Porphyrios of Kavsokalyvia said,

• “Patience is a great thing, a great virtue. Christ said that if you don’t have patience, you will lose your souls, and in order to gain your souls you must have patience. Patience is love and without love you can’t have patience (Luke 21:19). But it’s a matter of faith. In reality we are without faith because we don’t know how God works and frees us from difficulties and vexations”- St. Porphyrios, quotes taken from “Christ is Fullness of Life”

Here we get back to the root of it, that we don’t know how God works. The reasons He does things is so different than why we think, and He will usually free us from difficulties in our lives in miraculous ways that we don’t expect. 

I saw this when a $15,000 per month medication I get was not approved by insurance and I had no idea what to do. This time I actually had full faith that God would take care of it, so I just asked God to show me which saint was going to help me in this situation. About a month after I had found out the bad news and that I had been patiently awaiting what God would do, I got a call on a random Saturday morning at 9am. The doctor’s office called me and quickly said, “your medication has been approved. They’ll be calling you next week to schedule.” Immediately I ran to the calendar to see whose feast day it was and it was St. Spyridon the Wonderworkers feast day. I ran to the couch and started crying, thanking God that He knew exactly how He was going to answer my problems. And through that time of working out humility and patience, I found that my peace of mind and inner life was completely still and content with whatever God decided to do. 

To recap the Golden Secret, 

True healing and true joy comes from humbling myself before God, asking Him who He wants me to be and what He wants me to be doing, and then working with Him and not against Him through each season of my life. When we want for nothing but Christ, then we have true joy and inner beauty because He’s the only One we will never lose. Everything else in life is a season, it’s temporary, but I’ve seen in my own life that Christ gives me a much more full and beautiful life when I’m humble and patient than if I were to get to choose my own circumstances for my life.

Practical Ways to Suffer Well

• If you’re feeling despair, read the Akathist Glory to God for All Things.
• If you feel weak, ask God to make you strong. He promises He’s with those who are weak and broken.
• If you feel like you should have it all together, give yourself time to be “in process” rather than “finished.”
• If you feel stuck/without options, think outside the box and try something you haven’t before. There is always a “third” option.
• If you feel sad, take a walk with someone in your life who is peaceful and makes your soul feel light.
• If you overthink or are anxious, say the Jesus Prayer [Lord Jesus Christ Son of God have mercy on me a sinner].
• If you feel like everything always needs to be perfect, actively allow something in your life to be imperfect or left undone for a little while. 
• If you feel tired, rest. Take it easy on yourself. Do what must be done, but leave the rest for a later time.
• If you want to see a miracle, plant something, water it, and watch it grow. 
• If you want a good book to read, read The Art of Salvation by Elder Ephraim of Arizona.
• If you feel like there’s nothing you can do, you’re right. Pray, and accept that God will take care of it all in the right timing.
• For every other concern, be silent before God. Just wait for God to answer.

A final quote as food for thought:

Why be disturbed if everything doesn’t go according to your wishes? Through practice, the humble man has accustomed himself to wish for nothing and for a person with no wishes everything goes just as he wishes”
Abba Dorotheos of Gaza